i am 21, live in sunny so cal. i meet michael murphy I met him in one of his projects www.goshee.com

Well I don’t really know how to start something like this, but I’ve been hiding for 13 years, running away from the past. This isn’t for sick amusement or sympathy believe me I don’t want your sympathy.

When I was 8, I was abused pretty bad by a neighbor, raped, beat & left alone. I didn’t tell anyone, not my parents, brother, friends, no one. I've thought I did it to myself, it’s my fault. But maybe it wasn’t my fault maybe it was. Only thing I know now is I can not change it no matter how much I wish I could. Why dwell on the past, it won’t change it.

I didn’t figure this all out on my own; I do want to thank Mike for helping me realize what I am doing to myself. It isn’t healthy to bottle things up no matter what it is. It is really hard to think about, I do get flash backs & I can still remember the smell of the dirt & what he was wearing & how he looked at me & I hated myself for a long time,

But I don’t believe I brought it on myself. Maybe I could have done differently. I do wish I had my childhood back it made me grow up & hate a lot of people. I don’t not trust people easily especially guys.

I have also been mentally abused since as far as I can remember, by my parents that are both alcoholics. I think it is interesting, how I can hate something so much & then go do it. I hate my parents when they drink & yet I go out & get so drunk, I black out & do what they do to me, but to others.

I do not think it is right at all. I do however think it is interesting how easy it is to give up. I’m only 21 & I have experienced a lot of evil in people, but I am still trying to find good, even in "bad" people. I truly believe everyone should have a chance to change. You just have to give them that chance. My parents were great, when sober. Unfortunately that isn’t often.

I seem to have this trend I get into. I only find people that will hurt me, & I know this going into the relationships & still I go into it. So I guess I am setting myself up fo

i give plenty of services.. i like to help others when I can

I went to San Pedro High School, which i graduated @ 17 in 2004. Then to LBCC & took classes in business & photography. Photography is 1 thing that can always change my mood from bad to good... no matter what is going on! =D

Babijager@yahoo.com

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