Growing up hiding
By jessye anderson on March 31st, 2008(viewed 1904 times).

Well I don’t really know how to start something like this, but I’ve been hiding for 13 years, running away from the past. This isn’t for sick amusement or sympathy believe me I don’t want your sympathy.

When I was 8, I was abused pretty bad by a neighbor, raped, beat & left alone. I didn’t tell anyone, not my parents, brother, friends, no one. I've thought I did it to myself, it’s my fault. But maybe it wasn’t my fault maybe it was. Only thing I know now is I can not change it no matter how much I wish I could. Why dwell on the past, it won’t change it.

I didn’t figure this all out on my own; I do want to thank Mike for helping me realize what I am doing to myself. It isn’t healthy to bottle things up no matter what it is. It is really hard to think about, I do get flash backs & I can still remember the smell of the dirt & what he was wearing & how he looked at me & I hated myself for a long time,

But I don’t believe I brought it on myself. Maybe I could have done differently. I do wish I had my childhood back it made me grow up & hate a lot of people. I don’t not trust people easily especially guys.

     I have also been mentally abused since as far as I can remember, by my parents that are both alcoholics. I think it is interesting, how I can hate something so much & then go do it. I hate my parents when they drink & yet I go out & get so drunk,  I black out & do what they do to me, but to others.

I do not think it is right at all. I do however think it is interesting how easy it is to give up. I’m only 21 & I have experienced a lot of evil in people, but I am still trying to find good, even in "bad" people. I truly believe everyone should have a chance to change. You just have to give them that chance.  My parents were great, when sober. Unfortunately that isn’t often. 

 I seem to have this trend I get into. I only find people that will hurt me, & I know this going into the relationships & still I go into it. So I guess I am setting myself up for failure... but when your broken sometimes all you can do is pick up your peices & try to move on. 

    This wasn't an easy thing for me to write or think about. In fact  cant stop shaking & breathing hard. But it does feel good i must admit to get it off my chest. I guess the firt step is telling yourself, you are ok!

Any pointers or comments are welcome



jessye anderson
2008-04-02 02:32:00
sobriety is hard, yet i think worth the end result... day 4.. going on forever..

Regin Guarisco
2008-04-02 10:03:43
With every act you do to make your future even more bleak. Smoke, Drink, and forget you give them power over all the chances you have to make you life one lived. You will never forget what happened to you and never will nor should you. Though harsh as all lessons in life are they are just that lessons. Jessy you are an inspiration for coming out and telling your story. you can never learn from a hard life unless you can aknowlege it and apreichiate you have beaten the odds. Now all you have to do is beat the habits its given you. If you think of it as a tool to cope you are very wrong. It is a tool just to cause you pain to consitrate on now instead of pain of yesterday. You still have today how will you spend it?


jessye anderson
2008-04-01 08:50:58
thank you for your thoughts & for taking the time to read & listen.

Michael Murphy
2008-03-31 04:19:27
Well I read it, and I feel sad because there are so many people out there with this horrid pain inside and cant let it out because they think something is wrong with them. Think you are doing GREAT work just starting today to not hide it but just let it out why cares something so big when you never asked for it in the first place. I think you are on your way to changing your life for a better tomorrow in stead of a worst past. Good work Jessy!

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